Memorial Address
by weiss kittyn
Summary: (Xenosaga) Gaignun falls ill, and Jr decides he will do anything to help him. Songfic. My first attempt at a songfic, so please be gentle. now with two entirely new (and totally different) endings.
1. Bittersweet Goodbye

Memorial Address 

by weiss kittyn . song is Memorial Address by Hamasaki Ayumi.

Disclaimer: None of these characters belong to me, and I'm not making any money off this fic.

"spoken words" (obviously)  
(inner thoughts)

Gaignun and Jr. speaking telepathically

Song Lyrics 

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Gaignun Kukai, Director of the Kukai Foundation, was sick. Very sick. But he was also very good at hiding it, and no one had a clue. Jr, who, despite appearances, was his best friend, and also on occasion lover. Gaignun knew the depth of the feelings he felt for the younger-looking U.R.T.V. ran from loyalty to deep love, and it hurt him deeply to have to do this. But he knew he must...

Jr never suspected a thing. As far as he knew, they were going to keep on living together, and loving together, outwardly pretending to be father and son, but behind closed doors the masks came off. He admitted to himself that he was in love with Gaignun, and was planning on using tomorrow's 'date' to tell the man.

**_I fell asleep that night, my heart full of unease_**

_**I remember dreaming a sad, sad dream**_

_**That morning, the telephone's ring broke the silence**_

_**My premonition had become real**_

_**Leaving the scars that will never disappear from my heart**_

_**You vanished alone to become a star**_

That night, Jr had a strange dream. In it, Gaignun said goodbye, and took off in a small ship, by himself. When he woke up, it was gone. He spent the day looking forward to that night, and the day, naturally, dragged on as slowly as it could. Finally, that night arrived. Jr tried his hardest to look good, and met Gaignun in their private rooms. Everything seemed a little different. The music was softer. The lights were dimmer. The food laid out wasn't overly extravagant, but there was definitely something odd about it. Maybe it was just the candles on the table, and the flickering light cast something different on the food. Gaignun appeared in the far doorway, looking sexy. He grinned, and offered Jr a seat. They ate in companionable silence, and when they were done, the plates pushed away, they simply cuddled together. Jr loved these moments, when nothing was said, nothing needed to be said, and nothing was.

Gaignun always initiated the things they did together, and that night was no exception. He started kissing Jr, his passion making its way to the forefront. Jr kissed him back with just as much desire. His body was younger, but his mind was not. Gaignun was mildly surprised when he felt Jr's hands roaming down his body, and, not to be outdone, he began caressing the boy under him, too. Jr sighed contented into his mouth.

Neither of them knew precisely when it happened, or even who started it, but before long, they were naked, skin pressed against skin, fingers questing, lips roaming. Gasps and pants of pleasure as sweet spots were found and touched, again and again. Jr was good, but Gaignun was masterful. He brought Jr to his peak time after time, never allowing him release. The necessary actions were taken, and Gaignun entered Jr slowly. The moans ripped from his throat weren't from pain, though, but from total, overpowering pleasure. There hadn't been pain for a long time, something they were both glad for. It made it that much sweeter.

They both cried out softly with their release. Jr fell asleep almost immediately, his mind complete and his body satiated, but Gaignun lay there for a long time afterward, sleep finally claiming him in the dark hours of the morning.

_**So this is goodbye - you've gone to a place where I'll never see you again**_

_**I still can't even accept the chill of parting forever**_

_**I wanted you to tell me, I didn't care if it was a lie**_

_**That you definitely loved me**_

_**Just once is all I ask. **_

When Jr woke up that morning, Gaignun was gone. That was his first clue that something was amiss. Gaignun never left him before he woke up. He was always there beside him, to cuddle, asking if he was hurt. Jr had hoped to use that time to tell Gaignun of his feelings. He got out of bed, and searched their entire compartment. There was no sign of him anywhere.

"Nigredo! Where did you go?" His voice echoed strangely in the empty halls. Going back into the bedroom, he discovered something he had missed the first time. The vidscreen was blinking. He pushed the button, and a three-dimensional holographic image of Gaignun appeared on the table.

"Rubedo, dear heart... It pains me to tell you this, but... I'm dying." He paused, and Jr felt tears spring to his eyes.

"no..."

"About six months ago, I contracted a sickness. It is incurable. These past few weeks have weighed heavily on me. I can feel my body dying around me, even now. My only regret is I never told you what you mean to me. I love you, Rubedo."

Tears were streaming down his face. "please no, Gaignun...please! I love you to! please,,,"

"I don't wish to—" here, Gaignun coughed harshly, spasms wracking his body. Jr realized how long he'd been hiding it. When he straightened again, his face looked paler than ever. There was blood at the corner of his mouth, and he was wiping his hands on a towel. Red streaks were left behind on the soft white fabric. "I don't wish to leave you with my burdens, but I fear I cannot hold onto this life much longer. Thus, I pass Directorship of the Kukai Foundation to you. I know you can handle it. You're strong. The paperwork has already been taken care of, and Mary and Shelley are aware. They will help you." His eyes softened, and Jr noticed that he too, was crying. "I'm taking a ship, and launching it into the deep recesses of space to die. I didn't want anyone there... I don't think it will be a pretty thing." He smiled, and for a moment, Jr thought he could have been right there in the room. The illusion was ruined when another coughing fit overtook him, knocking him to his knees. "Rubedo, I'm sorry. I can never apologize to you enough. Had I lived, I would have gladly spent my life by your side, loving you. For I do... I love you more than this ebbing life itself. You are...everything dear to me. Please take care of yourself. And also Mary and Shelley, and the rest of the Foundation. They need you now. Farewell, Rubedo. I love you..."

_**The sadness that probably will never end closes the curtain**_

_**The cold of the changing season penetrates my body like a knife, but **_

The image cut off. Jr sank to the floor, sobs wracking his body. "Why didn't you tell me!? We could have found a cure! We could have..."

There was a knock on the door, and Shelley let herself in. "Little Master, have you seen Master Gaignun? Little Master!?" She dropped to his side. "What's wrong?!"

Jr sat up, refusing her touches. "He's gone, Shelley. And he's never coming back." She too, broke down crying.

_**That was a summer day that I will never forget**_

_**The sky kept crying, because I couldn't**_

_**After all, it was so much like the dream I had**_

_**Even now, I still can't manage to let the tears out**_

The entire Foundation took news of Gaignun's death extremely hard. The beach on the Durandal, where the two had spent quite a lot of their time was no longer sunny and warm, but thunderclouds rained misery down. Jr couldn't bring himself to cry again. The mind-numbing knowledge of what happened kept any emotion from him. He was angry, and determined, though, and spoke to everyone who might have known about Gaignun's condition, and even a few who didn't. It was the result of a space virus, one previously thought incurable, but as soon as Gaignun contracted it, the search for a cure was immediately begun. The scientific team at the Foundation was only days away from a breakthrough. Jr took them, as well as all their equipment, on board the Durandal, and took off after Gaignun.

**_So this is goodbye - even your final words cannot reach me_**

_**Making me feel how much parting forever hurts**_

_**I wanted you to tell me, I didn't care if it was a lie**_

_**That you never regretted the days we spent together**_

_**Just once is all I ask**_

He had no idea where Gaignun may have gone, but he sent out messages to every planet, ship, and person that if he was found, they were to keep him, and inform the Durandal immediately. Nothing turned up anywhere. Every day brought Gaignun closer to death, and Jr was at his wits end. The bright spot in the dark galaxy was the team of doctors Jr had rounded up had found the cure. They were sure without a doubt, that no matter how far the infection had spread, if he were to take it, he would live. Jr redoubled his efforts.

He hardly slept anymore, and didn't eat. His free time, the time when he wasn't ordering his crew to search longer, harder and faster, was spent remembering the last night they'd spent together. Now it all made perfect sense, in retrospect. The special music, lighting...The tenderness in his lovemaking... Gaignun had known he was going to his death the next morning. Jr cursed him.

_**Please tell me why, until the very end**_

_**All you left behind for me was memories**_

Sometime during the night, when everyone but the skeleton crew and Jr were asleep, alarms started going off. Lights flashed, horns blared, and suddenly the ship was teeming with life. Jr was up and running before he even knew what it was about.

Shelley turned around. "We've recovered a small vessel with the Kukai Foundation logo on the side...Jr.... It could be him!"

Jr had barely skidded to a stop in the cabin, when he was back out and sprinting for the cargo hold.

Ship hands were prying open the doors of the small spacecraft. Jr was right next to them, and as soon as the hatch doors were opened, he launched himself into the tiny ship. Blood was smeared across the walls, and floors. There was broken glass on the floor, apparently when something was being held, and dropped. Jr burst into the sleeping quarters. Gaignun lay sprawled across the bed, a picture clutched lovingly in his hand. There were bloodstains on his mouth and hands, and he was in obvious pain. But, he was still breathing, and that was all that mattered to Jr.

"IN HERE!" He screamed, and knelt down next to Gaignun. The empty frame was lying on the mattress next to him, and Jr roughly shoved it out of the way. The back of his mind noted that the glass must have come from the picture frame.

Gaignun turned his head, his eyes open but unfocused. "Jr....i'm dreaming again.... Good dream...." He drew in a shuddering breath. Jr's eyes watered. He took the picture before the medical officers carried a stretcher into the room. Gaignun's eyes closed, and Jr looked at the faded, worn photograph in his hands. It was an image of him, at the controls of the Durandal. He never even knew it'd been taken. It was bent on one corner, and there was blood streaked across it, from where Gaignun's blood-streaked fingers had caressed it tenderly. Jr couldn't hold it in any longer. He broke down and sobbed.

**_So this is goodbye - you've gone to a place where I'll never see you again_**

_**I still can't even accept the chill of parting forever**_

_**I wanted you to tell me, I didn't care if it was a lie**_

_**That you definitely loved me**_

_**Just once is all I ask**_

Gaignun was back on the Durandal, but he couldn't tell whether it was reality or a dream. Finally, he decided it must have been a nightmare. Jr was nowhere to be seen. He could _feel_ his body weakening. He knew that he only had a few hours left, and even if this _were_ a dream, he wanted to be able to Jr one last time. His picture had even disappeared. Doctors were in and out of the room, looking at him, prodding him, and poking him with needles, and god only knew what else. He suddenly felt tired. His desire to see Jr was overwhelming.

Jr! ...Rubedo.... please ..... come here.... he called out, using his telepathic connection. Within seconds, the familiar red-head was bursting through the door.

Gaignun smiled. "ru....be....do....." Jr's tears were dripping down his face.

YOU IDIOT! How could you DO that to me! He launched himself at his lover, smothering him with kisses. They've found a cure, you idiot! Stupid head! They've got a cure...You're not going to die!

Gaignun's smile, if it were possible, got wider. I.. I'm glad....I love you, you know...Now...I'm tired....I'm...sorry.... He slipped into a deep slumber. Jr brought it to the attention of the doctors, who reassured him that it was perfectly normal. He would be sleeping a lot, they said, as his body used the cure to fight off the infection that had gripped him for so long. Relieved, Jr curled up next to him, and slept, not caring WHO found out about them now.

_**This is all a bad dream,**_

**_And I have yet to wake - please, tell me so_**

This will all be just a bad dream, soon, Gaignun. Just a bad dream...

owari

so what do you think? It was my first Xenosaga fic, featuring my second favorite pairing. (my first is Tony and Chaos, the third is KOS-MOS and Shion.) Please R&R. comments welcome. Flames will be used to burn Jr and MOMO fics.


	2. important

NoteS  
  
It really irritates me when people leave reviews and I can't answer them. So I decided i would.  
  
First off, thankyou to everyone who's ever reviewed my story. I'm glad you liked it. and even if you didn't, i'm glad you took time out of your life to tell me how much it sucked.  
  
This story was a personal favorite of mine, but of the two people who've reviewed so far, its only got a five out of ten.  
  
To The Tesseract Seraphim (and whoever else decides to read my notes) Gaignun concealed it because he didn't want anyone to know. I mean, if you knew you were dying, and that there was no cure, would you want your last days to be sad, and filled with tears, or happy? Would you want people to remember you as a happy, smiling person, surrounded by happy smiling people, or someone who surrounded himself with misery and sorrow?  
  
At the time he left, they were WORKING on a cure, but hadn't found one. When Gaignun left, he was certain he was going to die. Only Jr's determination and love, combined with the peoples' love of him, enabled him to live. And actually, i just realized that you don't KNOW if he lives or not...it just kinda hangs. Anyone (probably no one) who reads this, review. Tell me if you think Gaignun should be cured, not be cured, or be cured and get shot? Leave a message!  
  
luv ya, yu know i do.  
  
Weiss Kittyn 


	3. Memories Ending 1

I wasn't planning on writing a second chapter to this, but after a short, yet interesting debate with The Tesseract Seraph, she gave me an interesting idea. (by the way, I give her full and total credit for the idea, which was awesome) and I want to write it.  
  
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as always, i don't own any of these characters unless otherwise stated. i'm not making any money off the fic, either.  
  
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Gaignun was vaguely aware that the ships traveling velocity had come to a complete standstill. He knew he must have hit something, or been picked up. A familiar voice reached out to him from the depths of his mind.  
  
"YOU IDIOT! How could you DO that to me?! They've found a cure, you idiot! Stupid head! They've got a cure! You're not going to die!" Jr's voice was anxious, almost angry, yet heavenly to Gaignun. It was the first real thing he'd experienced since leaving his young lover. Hell, by that time, he wasn't even sure if Jr existed. He seemed to be just shards of memory, fragments of dreams.  
  
Gaignun smiled at him, nonetheless. "I...I'm glad. I love you, you know. Now...I'm tired...I'm sorry....." he closed his eyes, his breathing becoming softer.  
  
He thought he felt someone curl up beside him, but it could have been his imagination. He smiled again, happily. He was going to be okay. Everything was going to be alright.  
  
-------  
  
"Little Masta! Little Masta, wake UP!"  
  
Gaignun Kukai, Jr, also known as just Jr, or 'Little Master,' opened his eyes and looked around blearily. Mary was looking at him, worriedly. He blinked.  
  
"What is it, Mary?"  
  
"Little masta....We've found him. But...I'm afraid its not good."  
  
"WHAT? You can't be....But we just..... it was all a dream?"  
  
Mary bowed her head, tears sliding down her cheeks. Jr couldn't believe it. He NEEDED to go see for himself. He got to the hangar bay, and watched as a medical team pulled someone from the wreckage. There was blood everywhere. Most of the medics were shaking their heads. Jr sobbed as they covered the body of the Director of the Kukai Foundation, the realization that he now held that title barely sinking in through his grief.  
  
If only we hadn't had that fight! Jr lamented to himself. If only he hadn't driven off like that, he never would have crashed....never would have died....  
  
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Jr was never able to fully accept that his lover was gone, killed in a tragic car accident, and was eventually admitted to a mental hospital.  
  
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okay, that sucked. . ....sorry. the tesseract seraph gave me an idea, and about halfway through writing it, it branched into two different endings. This was the first one, entitled Memories. The second ending is called Dreams, and has absolutely NOTHING to do with this chapter/ending. I'm sorry if this confuses anyone.  
  
weiss kittyn 


	4. Dreams Ending 2

I wasn't planning on writing a second chapter to this, but after a short, yet interesting debate with The Tesseract Seraph, she gave me an interesting idea. (by the way, I give her full and total credit for the idea, which was awesome) and I want to write it.  
  
-------  
  
as always, i don't own any of these characters unless otherwise stated. i'm not making any money off the fic, either. hell, not even the IDEA was mine!  
  
-------  
  
Gaignun was vaguely aware that the ships traveling velocity had come to a complete standstill. He knew he must have hit something, or been picked up. A familiar voice reached out to him from the depths of his mind.  
  
"YOU IDIOT! How could you DO that to me?! They've found a cure, you idiot! Stupid head! They've got a cure! You're not going to die!" Jr's voice was anxious, almost angry, yet heavenly to Gaignun. It was the first real thing he'd experienced since leaving his young lover. Hell, by that time, he wasn't even sure if Jr existed. He seemed to be just shards of memory, fragments of dreams.  
  
Gaignun smiled at him, nonetheless. "I...I'm glad. I love you, you know. Now...I'm tired...I'm sorry....." he closed his eyes, his breathing becoming softer.  
  
He thought he felt someone curl up beside him, but it could have been his imagination. He smiled again, happily. He was going to be okay.  
  
With that contented thought, the Director of the Kukai Foundation breathed his last breath into the icy cabin, hurtling through the deep recesses of space, despite the lack of engines. The speed at which the ship had been traveling kept it going long after its power source failed. The heroic rescue, the cure, Jr's love...It was all a fever induced nightmare. Not that Gaignun truly cared. By the time he reached that point, he was fully glad of any comfort, no matter how small.  
  
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When the durandal finally tracked it down, the small ship had been winding down, decreasing in speed. The rescue team knew immediately that there were no signs of life from the tiny vessel. A group went in to assess the damage, and came out carrying the body on a board, covered with a bloody sheet. Jr was confined to his room. No one wanted him to see the director the in the condition he was in.  
  
Jr recieved the news from Shelley, but upon finding his door locked, could do no more than scream and cry. It wasn't fair. He'd worked SO hard to find him, to find a cure...To find him already dead was the final blow. In a daze, he took a kitchen knife from the small kitchenette in his quarters. He barely felt the sting of the blade as it bit into his wrists and arms. As though it weren't enough, he turned the blade inward, and thrust it through his abdomen.  
  
Weak from blood loss, he recorded a message of his own to Mary and Shelley. When the machine cut off, he lay on his bed, his life force leaking out from the self inflicted wounds. Surprisingly, there was no pain. Gaignun's death had numbed him to his core. The longer he lay there, the lighter he felt. The room seemed to sway and melt away. In the stark whiteness of the room he now found himself in, a splotch of color attracted his eyes.  
  
"Nigredo!" The small, black-haired U.R.T.V looked up, smiling.  
  
"I've been waiting for you, Rubedo." He reached out his hand and took Jr's. "Come on. Let's go!" A small cat loped along at their feet as they ran as fast as they could towards nowhere. Rubedo looked at Nigredo at the precise moment Nigredo turned to look at him. They smiled.  
  
I love you.  
  
------  
  
that sucked even more than the first ending did! it abducted me though. About halfway through (about when i wrote that the rescue was all just a dream Gaignun had) i was kidnapped and held hostage by the story, which then proceeded to write itself. I'm sorry if it sounded crappy. Love it? Hate it? Review it! 


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